Using the Sex Spreadsheet To Get Blown (Instead of Blown Off)

Today is D-Day (earlier than expected). My department chair is in meetings with the dean, and my class will either get a stay of execution, or will be cancelled. I will keep you posted.

And! Educate:


As you already know, I think the Desire Discrepancy Spreadsheet is awesome.

It introduces the concept of desire discrepancy to the world with some serious dramatic flair, and it’s a brilliant illustration of the types of concrete examples that can be helpful when communicating an issue to a partner.

That being said, the dude who built this spreadsheet wasted the data he collected with his less than stellar delivery.

Here’s one way I think that dude could’ve used the data in the DDS to get his lady to blow him (instead of just blowing him off).

He could’ve refined data down into palatable chunks, and figured out how to better understand, and possibly overcome, each ‘chunk’ one at a time.

Even if dude had mature delivery, dumping the whole data set on his wife all at once would be overwhelming. When it comes to behavior change, people often need to be eased into things gently.

I speak from experience. I’m messy by nature. Not tornado-hit-my-house messy, but more like I-will-step-over-a-pile-of-dirty-clothes-for-two-weeks-before-picking-it-up messy.

My partner? Not messy.  And if he compiled a “Messy Becca Spreadsheet” and showed me each and every time I was messy? Chances are I would do nothing but be pissed and get hella defensive.

But my partner is smart. He chunks his critiques, and hits me with them one at time. First it was the hair on the floor in the bathroom, then it was the gross wadded up towel full of coffee grounds on the counter. (The very long list could go on.)

Once I successfully pick up the cleanliness ritual (or it is a horrible failure and he knows there is no hope), he moves on the next one.

With the data compiled, dude’s wife had patterns enough for him to sufficiently break them down into palatable, tackle-able chunks.

Chunked for his (lack of) pleasure.

Chunked for his (lack of) pleasure.

For example, she rejects him quite a bit on the premise that she’s feeling gross. 

Here are three possible ways he can tackle that chunk (or any other chunk he identifies):

1) Tell her how the rejection makes him feel using “I statements” (which, btw is something we practice in my CCSF class).

A-la “Hey lover-face. I notice that sometimes when I want to have sex, you tell me that you’re gross and you need to shower. Which I totally get. But sometimes, you don’t shower. This is confusing for me, and makes me feel like you’re not being totally honest.”

2) Suggest ways that she can un-gross herself, or ways he can help her un-gross herself.

A-la “Hey lover-face. I notice that sometimes when I want to have sex, you tell me that you’re gross and you need to shower. Maybe the next time that happens, I can help you get the grime out by running you a bath, washing your hair, and lathering you up!”

3) Learn from the pattern.

If she really doesn’t like starting sex when she's sweaty and grimy, maybe he should learn from the pattern and not initiate right after she comes back from the gym. 

(As difficult as pheromones may make that task -- as they will be alllllll up in her gym sweat -- he could still learn. [Don’t know about the role of pheromones in arousal? You’ll learn about that in the Male and Female Physiology section of my CCSF class.])

Speaking of learning from the pattern, I have one more thing to say about how we could’ve better used the spreadsheet.

Tune in tomorrow to find out the one thing he could’ve done to improve his chances of success, and decrease all those rejections.

Keep Thinking
-Becca

Posted on July 28, 2014 .

Why The Desire Discrepancy Spreadsheet is AWESOME

Day 4 of the campaign to save my CCSF Class. Still holding strong at 6.  I should mention that anyone can take this class. Seriously anyone with the drive to be a better sexual person (with the time spare Thursdays from 6p - 9p) can be a part of it. Enroll today using CRN 75511.


Yesterday, I introduced (or re-introduced to some of you) to the desire discrepancy spreadsheet.

http://imgur.com/YzWn3Hw

http://imgur.com/YzWn3Hw

I left you with the following sentiment:

I think the desire discrepancy spreadsheet is AWESOME.

I don't think the way dude delivered it was awesome, and the dude’s sense of entitlement was also far from awesome. But the tool itself? Is brilliant.

 

Think about it.

How many times have you told a partner, “Hey partner, there is this thing that’s bothering me about our relationship, and I’d like us to fix it.”

And then you’re partner goes, “Give me an example of one time that I did that thing and I’d be happy to start working on it.”

And then your palms start to sweat, and you can’t make eye contact, and in you're head you're like, "FUUUUUUU..." because even though you’re 100% sure your partner is doing this this thing that drives you crazy, you can’t bring up an actual moment to save your life.

 

The DDS is brilliant because it is a list of concrete examples.

Concrete examples are super helpful when trying to communicate an issue with a partner (Something we will talk about at length in the Love and Communication in Relationships section of my CCSF course). In fact, sometimes coming up with a concrete example is the only way to get a partner to understand where you’re coming from.

If you separate the DDS itself from the context of how it was used, the DDS is a gem of a tool that you could customize to help you articulate anything in a relationship that might be bothering you.

For example:

Your partner never washes the dishes? Dirty Dish Spreadsheet.
Your partner makes crazy excuses to not take the dog out to poop? Dog Dookie Spreadsheet.
Your partner constantly quotes that one movie where that guy talks to animals? Doctor Doolittle Spreadsheet.

 

The possibilities are endless, but don’t go run out and make your own DDS just yet.

Something else we need to learn from dudebro, is that the data collected is only as powerful as it’s delivery (something we talk about in the Sex Research section of my CCSF class. Just Sayin’).

The DDS guy had a great tool, and really solid data, but he squandered his findings with the worst possible delivery ever.

In a few days, I’m going to talk about how, out of the shit mess that the DDS dude made, there is plenty of fertilizer that can help all our relationships to grow.

Or in other words, I’ma talk about how dude could‘ve taken all the data collected in the DDS to get his wife to agree to some more hot, mutually wanted sex.

Keep Thinking!
-Becca

Posted on July 24, 2014 .

Why I Love The Rejection Spreadsheet

We’re in day 3 of my campaign to save my CCSF class (Thurs 6p-9p, Starting August 21st; CRN 75511; Click here to register; Click here to (hella easily) apply)! Check out the thermometer to the right to check in about how things are going!

Now, instead of continuing to ask people to enroll, and listing all the reasons why my students think I'm awesome, I'm just going to educate from here on out (with some moderate parenthetical pandering).  

If you like my style and want to experience education like this in a college level course, then enroll using the links above.

Speaking of education, let's talk about what you can learn from the now infamous spreadsheet.

Which spreadsheet, you ask?

Well. There’s this dudebro who apparently wants to bang it out with his wife pretty consistently. His wife is consistently not into making sweet, sweet love for a series of reasons that dudebro listed, in detail, on a spreadsheet … that he emailed to her before she left to go on a business trip.

Photo Credit: Imgur.com/YzWn3Hw

Photo Credit: Imgur.com/YzWn3Hw

I've come to think of this spreadsheet very fondly as the Desire Discrepancy Spreadsheet (DDS).

And yes, I do think of it fondly. I think the DDS has endless potential to spark some great discussion about communication in relationships (we discuss communication in relationships in my CCSF class on October 30th, btw).

Wait, back up. WTF is Desire Discrepancy?

Desire Discrepancy is when, on a consistent basis, sexual desire between two people does not align. (I.e. On a consistent basis, dudebro wants to have sex, and his wife would rather watch TV or fall asleep in her own gym sweat.)

What dudebro detailed in such superb technological fashion is a classic case of desire discrepancy (something we’ll be talking about in my class on November 20th in our “Sexual Difficulties” section).

Yup! There's a name for the phenomenon. And the name is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what you can learn from the spreadsheet.

In my post tomorrow, I'm going to talk about why I think the desire discrepancy spreadsheet is AWESOME. (Even if the way dude decided to share it was pretty whack.)

Keep Thinking
-Becca

Posted on July 23, 2014 and filed under CCSF Campaign.

10 Reasons Why You Should Take Human Sexuality at CCSF With Becca Brewer

I could talk allllllll day long about why I think people should learn about sex from me. But I'll be damned if anything I come up with is better than what my Spring 2014 students have to say on the matter.

Here are 10 reasons why students from my very first CCSF class think that you should take IDST 17: Human Sexuality on Thursdays from 6p - 9p with me.


# 10: You’ll have fun.

“The class is fun and engaging. Becca comes prepared with new material and activities to do in class.  She comes up with such creative examples; anything to provide the student with a better understanding.”

# 9: You’ll learn topics relevant to your life.

This is a class for day to day living. The information is human and relevant.”

# 8: You’ll be stoked about class every week.

“It is rare to be excited to go to class every week and so engaged in the subject matter but this class did just that.”

#7: You’ll be treated like more than just another student.

“Students would be happy to take your class because you don’t treat us only like students, but people that you want to learn from and are interested in sharing information with. Your class is the prefect platform for open discussion and to experience a professor that doesn’t back away from any topic.”

#6: You’ll like the instructor.

“There is one very simple reason why you should this class, the professor.” 

#5 You’ll have a safe place to explore sexuality.

“Someone should take this class next semester because it is important to explore human sexuality. Specifically, Becca’s class provides a safe environment to have dialogues centered around these sensitive topics. She keeps it real, engaging, and fun.”

# 4: You will understand relationships better.

“Not only is this class incredibly fulfilling personally, helping us come to terms with our individual sexuality and our personal relationships, it is integral to our struggle to participating meaningfully in society.”

#3 You will understand yourself better.

“This class allows you to be refreshingly open and honest with yourself, your sexuality, and your peers. You learn more about why you may be who/what you are.”

#2: You’ll feel more confident at the end of semester.

“A scientific, realistic, and honest approach to sex and all it’s associated taboos. Not only did I learn a lot but feel like a better person after taking the class and have gained personal confidence!”

#1: (Self-Explanatory)

“Becca Brewer’s human sexuality class was the most interesting class I have taken at CCSF. If you like to learn about sexuality, gain friendships, and stay awake during a 3 hour class, this is one for you!!”

_____ 

I’ve been teaching Human Sexuality since 2004, and I love every minute of making the scientific theories of human sexuality easy to learn and relevant. It would be an honor to teach you next semester.

Anyone can take this course. If you're not currently a student you can click here to register!

To enroll, use CRN 75511.


 Not sure about going to the Chinatown Campus?

Here is one fun fact that might change your mind:

The walk from Montgomery Bart to 808 Kearny Street is exactly 13 minutes (just 2 minutes longer than the walk from Balboa Park Bart to Batmale Hall on the Ocean Campus).

Posted on July 21, 2014 .

Help Becca Save Her CCSF Human Sexuality Class

What up internets? As you may know, I have been not blogging because ... well ... let's get real here. Being a sex educator is my life's purpose. It's what I've been put on this earth to do. But I haven't found a way to teach sex education and keep up with my enormous student loan debt just yet.

On that note, one of the sources from which I derive both joy and fiscal solvency presented me with the following challenge:

Teach a night course to CCSF students at a campus that isn't the main campus, where people don't usually pay for classes. (They will have to pay for yours). If you can get your enrollment to reach at least 20 by August 15th, we won't cancel the class.

Challenge Accepted

Right now, I have 7 students enrolled. I'd like to see that number jump to 10 by the end of this week. 

And by "I'd like to see" I mean, I have to see.  If you'd like to help, sharing the following blog post would be amazing!! I will be keep you posted each and every day as to whether or not this going to work.

Fingers crossed, I will get enough butts in seats to have another amazing semester at CCSF.

Thanks in advance for all your support.

-Becca

Posted on July 21, 2014 .

How to Be a Part of Becca's Sex Ed Comeback Tour in 5 Simple Steps

Sex Ed Bootcamp. Circa 2009.

Sex Ed Bootcamp. Circa 2009.

As many of you may know, I haven't taught sex ed on a regular basis since before grad school. (Hella whack. I know.)

Luckily for me, the folks at City College of San Francisco just happened to be hiring Human Sexuality Instructors right around the time I planned to move back to the Bay from NYC. When I found I out they were interested, I hopped on a plane from NYC, suited up, and rocked an interview. Early this week, I was given my first teaching assignment.

In other words, this sexuality expert is officially back in the game. I'd love for you to join me on my comeback tour!

All you have to do is enroll in the Human Sexuality course I'm teaching on Thursdays from 6p - 9p!

Just complete the 5 simple steps below:


Step 1. Check yo’ schedule.

Are you free from 6-9 (heh) on Thursday nights?

Free? Move on to step 2.

Not Free? There are three other classes that still need students:

Monday/Wednesday: 1:10p - 2:25p

Tuesday/Thursday: 8:10a - 9:25a

Tuesday/Thursday: 12:40p - 1:55p

Want to take one of these three classes? Move on to step 2!

 

Step 2. Be a CCSF student or become a CCSF student.

If you’re already a CCSF student, skip ahead to  Step 3.

Not a student? Applying is easy!  Click here!

(And you can ignore all that stuff about orientations if you don’t plan to take more than 2 classes.)

 

Step 3. Contact the Department Chair, Lauren Muller, To Get Your Add Code!!

You'll need the add code to add the class, so make sure you get it before you try to register!

Lauren can be reached at lmuller@ccsf.edu, or at 415-239-3854.

Have the following info ready:

CRN, SEC, and Course Day/Time.  

For my course the CRN is 31034, SEC is 501.  Thurs, 6-9.
(For the other sections, you can look up the CRN and SEQ by clicking here!)

 

Step 4. Register for the class you’ve chosen using the add code.

The deadline to register is January 30th, so make sure you hop on this opportunity ASAP.

Use the CRN to find the course, and the add code to make sure you can actually register.

If you have any issues adding the course, get in touch with Lauren!

 

Step 5. Show up for class!

Bask in the warm glow of sexuality knowledge and legendary comebacks.


If you're not a CCSF student, but know someone who is, please forward this post to them! 

Thanks in advance for registering, spreading the word, and helping a sister out!!

Keep Thinking,
-Becca

Posted on January 17, 2014 .

Fight the Stupid: Sex Education is Dangerous

Thanks for the inspiration, Rep. Steve Toth (The Woodlands).

Thanks for the inspiration, Rep. Steve Toth (The Woodlands).

I've always been confused by opposition to honest, open, and straightforward sexuality education. The communication of this opposition is often more perplexing than the opposition itself.

As a highly trained sex educator for helllllllla years, it was my mission to teach students sex ed in a way that respected the fact that they would eventually become adults living in a democratic society.

In other words, I taught them with respect for the fact that someday they would be free to make their own choices. And with the zillion choices that sexuality brings to the table, I thought the only responsible thing to do as an adult was to help them face some of those choices head-on while they were in my class.

Call me crazy for thinking that to teach sexual problem solving ... you actually have to talk about sex ... and let students solve their own riddles. (I also call that teaching young people how to handle freedom ... but that's another story for another day.)

Anyway, I could write all day long about the merits of open, honest, and straightforward sex education. But I think I'll let some former students of mine do the talking for me. In 3 short minutes, they say more than I ever could.

 Keep Thinking
-Becca

 

  

Posted on July 28, 2013 and filed under Sex Education.