Today’s post is a shout-out to all my serial monogamists.

Say what?

If you’re practicing serial monogamy, your relationships play out a little like this: You’re in a relationship with your current partner and they’re you’re one and only!  Things are great until they’re not and you two break up.  1 day, 1 month or 1 year later, you find another partner who becomes your one and only.  Things are great until they’re not and you two break up.  1 day, 1 month or 1 year later, you find another partner who becomes your one and only.   Etc. Etc. Until you die or find a partner where things are just great and you two don’t break up.

This is different than Traditional Monogamy where the first partner you have is your one and only AND the one you stay with your whole life.

Now that we’ve defined some important vocab, let’s get on to today’s post.

Biking In Philly

As some of you may know, I lived in Philadelphia before starting SmartHotFun.Com.  Of all the things that happened to me in that city, one of the best was discovering biking.  During the 2 months of nice weather that happens all year in Philly, I started riding after acquiring the world’s heaviest mountain bike.  I would throw on an audiobook or a sweet playlist and go on 20-30 mile rides once a week.

Picture of a Bike.

And it was glorious!  The ride near the Schuylkill River was gorgeous and there was always some damn good people watching (read: shirtless hotties running by the river).  Once past the city, it was just perpetual motion as far as my legs could take me.

I loved it.  It was freeing because I could go long distances without fighting Philly traffic, and it was faster than walking could ever hope to be.  Biking in Philly was great!

See Ya’ Philly, Hello SF!

After only 2 months of biking there, my stay in Philly ended.  I moved back to the city by the bay where my BFF happened to have a gaggle of extra bikes. He gifted me with a beater mountain bike and a helmet.  And I started Biking in SF.

I was not a fan of riding in SF.  The hills were insane and my thighs were not happy.  My new bike didn’t have as cushy a seat as my old bike, and my labia (seriously) were in pain after every ride.   Riding 5 miles in SF was far harder than riding 30 miles in Philly.  And anytime I took a wrong turn (or followed google bike directions), I either found myself in a life-threatening situation (I once ended up on a freeway off-ramp) or riding up the biggest, craziest hill of my life.

I was frustrated.  I love SF.  The city makes my heart sing and makes me feel at home.  But biking in the city I love just wasn’t working because of my memories of Philly.

And then, one day, it happened.

Instead of being frustration-causing obstacles, hills started to become a challenge to be conquered because biking up a hill inevitably meant getting to fly down a hill on the other side.  Once my thighs adjusted to the rigor of biking in SF, my focus extended outward to appreciate the infrastructure set up for cycling.  Although not perfect, my navigation skills greatly improved and I haven’t seen a freeway off-ramp since that first harrowing experience.

Picture of a Mountain Bike.

Essentially, one day I woke up and started to fully enjoy biking again.  The wind in my face, the satisfaction of knowing that I’m simultaneously getting a workout and saving the planet.  The freedom of movement you can’t get in a car with speed walking can’t touch.

So, what does this whimsical little tale have to do with great sex?

Just like it took a while for biking to get great when I switched cities, it can also take a while for sex to get great when you switch partners.

Even though the mechanics of biking are the same (pedaling, shifting gears, etc) in any city, the way I had to use those mechanics in Philly and in SF were radically different.  Biking in SF didn’t get great until I figured out that I had to pedal harder and shift more than I ever did while in Philly.

When you’re having sex, the basic mechanics (touching, tickling, thrusting, licking, etc.) are going to be the same with any partner.  When you move from one partner to another, your brain is going to use what it learned from having sex with a previous partner (or partners) to help you start having sex with this new partner.  (Not necessarily in a “I’m thinking about my ex while I’m fucking my current boo” kind of way.  More in a muscle memory kind of way.)

While this may magically work (yay!) and rock your new partner’s sexual world (holla!), it is just as likely that it won’t.  Which (just like my biking transition) can be frustrating at first.

Because you know you love sex, you know you’ve had great sex in the past, and you want to be having great sex now, dammit!

Rocking a smooth sexual transition from partner to partner simply means being patient, not giving up, and being willing to pedal harder and shift more.  And by that I mean, being willing to take that tongue strategy that you figured out on your previous partner, and modifying it (or completely changing it) to fit what your current partner likes/needs.  And on the flipside, it may take a while for your current partner to figure out what you like/need.  Your fundamentals are the same, but the way you use them changes.

Eventually, your brain is going to have a moment where it shifts.

Instead of creating sexual strategies based on your previous partner, your brain is going to start creating strategies based on your history with your current one.   The shift might happen overnight, or it might be several small shifts that happen over time.

For me and Biking, it was when hills became challenges instead of inconveniences.  When I started to see all the great infrastructure set up for bikes instead of focusing on how bad my body ached.  Etc.  This stuff didn’t actually happen overnight, but slowly throughout my experience biking.

So, how can you use this to help you have great sex? 

Action Steps for Great Action

1. After you’re done having sex with your current partner, get critical.

When I say after you’re done, I don’t mean like right after.  Enjoy the afterglow and whatnot.  But, at some point afterward, sit down with your partner and ask about 1 thing that worked really well and 1 thing they’d like you to modify.

Example:  “I really liked when you tackled me onto my bed.  However, when you’re playing with my nips, I'd like it if you were a little rougher. Maybe get some teeth in there.”

2. Talk to your partner about activities they really enjoyed with a previous partner until you come across something 1 thing you'd be willing to try.  Modify it to fit your current sexual relationship.

I know!  This one sounds a little crazy.  Why on earth would you want to know about sex your partner had in the past?  It’s simple.  Knowing what a partner’s brain is thinking about and craving can help your partner’s brain to transition faster.  If you’re able to provide something a previous partner did, eventually, you will be the most current association in your partner’s brain with that activity, not their previous partner.

Modification is key in this.  You’re not trying to BE your partner’s ex, you’re trying to provide this certain activity with your own particular flare.

Example: Your partner is like, “I want to have penis vagina sex while standing.”  You know that your partner loves bullet vibrators.  So you figure out a way to pop a bullet vibrator in between you two while have standing penis-vagina sex.

#3 Be Patient, It’ll Happen!!

Self-explanatory, yes?

Whether you’re planning on biking in a new city OR figuring out ways to sex up the newest partner in your series, I hope that easing the transition is a lot of fun!

Keep Thinking!