This post in a nutshell:

When you work out, getting started and getting past the first few workouts can be awkward, daunting, and difficult.  But when you DO start and get through the first few workouts, the payoff is often awesome! 

When you are working on having great sex, getting started with new sexual activities and trying those new sexual activities out can be awkward, daunting, and difficult.  But when you DO start and get through the trial period, the payoff is often awesome!

The Beginning is the Hardest Part

(That’s what she said.)

In the beginning, taking on a quest to have great sex is just as difficult as rocking those first few workouts for two reasons:

1)   Figuring out where to start can cause decision paralysis.

2)   Those first couple tries often feel like more effort than you were anticipating.

Let’s start with Decision Paralysis 

Decision paralysis (in a nutshell) is when you have so many choices that you are literally paralyzed because you’re afraid you won’t make the right decision.  Because you’re so afraid, you usually end up going with whatever it is you’ve already done/tried or are already comfortable with.

With fitness, it’s like making the decision to re-join that corporate gym that you NEVER go to, simply because trying to pick between cross fit, yoga, self-directed workouts, the YMCA, Zumba, masters swimming, or a boxing gym made you feel incredibly overwhelmed.   OR! Choosing to hop on an elliptical (again) because you couldn’t choose between all of the group-ex choices available or you don’t even know where to start with all that free-weight action.
Picture of Becca doing a push up.

With great sex, it’s like continuing to defer to your go-to ‘penetrator on top, penis-vagina sex’ strategy because you looked at a Want!Will…Won’t. Chart and just couldn’t choose between kissing someone’s neck, putting your mouth on a nipple, letting someone vaginally valprehend you, or having your toes sucked.

Essentially, in the face of choices, you freeze and just go into auto-pilot.

So WTF do you do in the face of decision paralysis?

Pick one and go for it!

Just start.  Instead of stressing over whether or not you’re picking the best workout or the best sexual practice, just DO SOMETHING.  See, you can theorize about whether or not it’s going to work FOR.EV.ER.  But, if you just go for it, you’ll be able to actually experience whether or not it works for you.  If it turns out you don’t dig masters swimming, you can always switch to the boxing gym.  When you realize that having your toes sucked isn’t your thing, you can check out how vaginal valprehending works for you.   Conversely, when you find out that Zumba is your go-to workout, you can figure out how to take your dancing skillz to the next level.  When it just so happens that kissing a neck is TOTALLY your jam, you can look more closely into how to use your mouth and tongue to improve your neck-kissing skill-set.

But this brings me to my next point which is:

The First Couple Tries can be Daunting

Even after getting past decision paralysis, the first couple experiences after your decision might be rough.

Have you ever had that experience where you’ve entered (or re-entered) a gym for the first time?  You get on the elliptical, or head to the weight rack, or saunter into the group exercise room.

You may have this vision in your head about what you’re capable of.  You choose your speed, equipment, or class accordingly.  You’re jazzed for just how well you’re going to do.

Then you get started with the workout.  At first, everything is okay.  You’re keeping up with the elliptical’s programming, you’re lifting those heavy weights, or you’re keeping up with all the folks in the group-ex studio.

And then …  the elliptical’s programming gets harder and you have to slow the machine down.  You can’t even think about lifting the weight you’ve chosen without busting a muscle.  You have to stagger to the side of the group-ex room because you just can’t keep up with the choreography.

Why? Your body and your mind are moving into territory that they aren’t used to.  In order to succeed, you have to figure out where you’ve been successful and use that information to get better the next time you work out.

You Have to Create Mental and Physical Resiliency. 

Mental resiliency is the ability to recognize that a 250 pound bench-press is well within your capacity, just not on the first go-round.  It’s the ability to say, “I need to start at 50 pounds and work my way up to 250.”  It’s looking at 20 successful reps at 75 pounds the previous week and pushing yourself to do 26 reps at 80 pounds the following week.  It’s looking at where you’ve succeeded, and using the lessons from your previous success to create personal progress.

Physical resiliency is where you strain your muscles and they get microscopic tears.  It’s literally ripping up your muscles so that they can heal over and become stronger in the long run.

It’s when you combine physical and mental resiliency that your workouts start to get great.

Sexual Greatness is Just Like Starting to Work Out

You’ve decided that you want to try something new.  But when you try to explain it to your partner, you fumble through your explanation.  Or maybe you’re perfectly articulate and your partner doesn’t get it.

Or maybe you explain it just fine, your partner gets it, and you grab all the right equipment for the situation.  You’re jazzed about the success you’re about to have with this new exciting sexual activity.  Everything starts out okay, but you as you get farther into the activity you realize you’re using muscles you’ve never used before.  Or accomplishing the activity requires cooperation and teamwork you and your partner have never hashed out before.  Or something happens during the activity that you just didn’t anticipate.

You can write off this experience and the whole activity as a failure, or you can look at the successes within it.  Was there anything that did work that could be recreated?  Are there words or concepts you did use that helped your partner understand what you wanted?  Was your prep on-point?  Is there a body position that worked really well or could be tweaked to be off the hook?

Great Sex Requires Mental and Physical Resiliency

If you write off every sexual activity that goes wrong the first time, you’ll be writing off a lot of great sex.  Mental resiliency when it comes to great sex is the ability to realize that you can push yourself farther, be more creative, and take logical steps forward to improve whatever it is that you’re doing sexually.

Physically, many sexual activities feel awkward when people first start begin doing them.  As the activity gets repeated, it gets easier to figure out how to use the body to increase the pleasurable output!

Whether you’re working out or trying to have great sex, it’s easy to give up.

But rocking that mental and physical resiliency often leads to amazing outcomes!

People who stick with workouts often admit that starting was hard, getting through the first weeks of workouts was hard, but now that they’re in a groove … they feel fantastic!

When it comes to sex, it can totally be a similar process.  Starting can be really hard, getting through the awkward first stages can be down right daunting, but then, when you get your amazing groove on, it can definitely feel fantastic!

Strategies for Success

  • Fight the decision by paralysis by picking 1 sexual activity to do, knowing that you can always choose another if the 1 you’ve chosen doesn’t work out.

  • Pump up your physical and mental resilience by not giving up if you’re not immediately good at the activity you’ve chosen.

  • Focus on your successes and try to push them farther each time you practice the activity.

And of course, my favorite...

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