If you were reading last week, you know that I’m starting to break down our final Great Sex Fundamental.

Great Sex Fundamental #3: Love As You Will 

This fundamental is based (almost directly) on a phrase from Jacqueline Carey’s Kushiel’s Legacy Series – a book series where the characters have fantastically bangin’ sex.  ‘Love as you will’ is the highest law of the land, and is actually pretty directly responsible for all the amazing sex had by many throughout the books.

‘Love as you will’ gives the characters the ability to own their sexual desires AND to own when they’re totally not down with having certain types of sex.  In my experience, this ability is just as valuable for people livin' in the real world.

'Love as you will' is great for fictional AND real people alike because it implies something else that is the foundation for great sex:

Consent.

The phrase ‘love as you will’ is alllllllllll about consent.

Implied is that if you want to love as YOU will, you’ve gotta allow others to love as THEY will.  Which means rape is totally out of the question, as it is a direct violation of the ‘love as you will’ principle.

Rape sucks and is the exact opposite of great sex.  And because this blog is all about helping people to have fantastic sex, the next principle of GSF #3 is super important.

GSF 3.2: The Greatest Sexual Moments are Consensual 

And here’s why.

Brain power is a limited resource.

Although neuroscience may, at some point in the future, help us unlock the secrets to the 80% of our brains we don’t currently control, right now we’re stuck with what we’ve got.

And when we’re focused on more than one thing at once, our brain has to split up its resources to make everything we’re doing work.

If at this point you’re like, “WTF are you talking about, lady?” Think about the following.

You’re driving and you decide it’s time to send a text.

You bust the phone out and do the swiping motion to unlock it. Then, you watch the road for a second to make sure you’re not going to crash into anything.  Then you look at your phone and select your text-message function.  You look at the road again.  You pull up the keyboard or the voice recognition.  You look at the road again.  Etc. etc. Until you send the text or crash (whichever comes first).

Danger Will Robinson!

If your brain had unlimited processing power, you’d be able to send the text, compose a sonnet in your head, give yourself a handy, AND drive all at the same time.  Not only would you be able to do that, but your text would be well thought out, the prose in your sonnet would be inspired, your handy would result in the perfect happy ending, AND your driving would be on-point.

But, as most of us know, text messages sent while driving are just as bad as our driving is while text messaging.

So what does this have to do with great sex?

Simple.

The more your brain’s resources are 100% in it to sexually win it … the greater sex will be.

Not getting clear consent can actually distract your brain from being 100% in the moment.

When you’ve got clear consent, your brain might say something like, “The sex that is going down right now is awesome!”

Without clear consent your brain might be having a moment that sounds more like “The sex that is going down is awesome … but I wonder if my partner is enjoying it as much as I am.”

That split allocation of resources between those two emotions/thoughts can affect all kinds of other things in your sexual experience. Like how sexually sensitive your e-zones become, or how connected you feel during the sexual moment, or even whether or not you’re able to stay aroused.

Just like your texts suck when you compose them while driving, sex where there’s distraction isn’t going to be as great as sex when there isn’t.

Distracted brains during sex aren’t the only negative side-effect of sketchy consent.

Lack of clear consent can definitely diminish a seemingly great sexual moment by creating dissonance.

Check it.

You didn’t get a clear “Hells Yes” from your partner before banging it out.  During your sex session everything feels fantastic.  The whole time you’re getting your swerve on your brain is shouting “This! Is! Awesome!”  You finish up and you turn to your partner to get the celebratory after-sex high five.

Instead of meeting you up top in triumph, they leave you hanging.

All of those awesome feelings you had not moments ago?  Now they’re in jeopardy because even though YOUR brain might have been like ‘awesome!’ you can tell that your partner’s brain was probably thinking something else.  Despite your initial feelings of awesomeness, sex is a team sport, and when your “teammates” don’t share your enthusiasm, it affects the intensity of your “win."

Don’t get me wrong, getting clear consent beforehand may have resulted in the exact same outcome. Although getting consent is clutch, you still require knowledge and skills to make sex great.  BUT.

No consent or unclear consent when you start is much more likely to result in a distracted brain, or to a mismatched ending.

Getting consent is HUGE in terms of setting you up for sexual success.  It helps your brain to allocate as many resources as possible to the sexy moment AND it helps you to figure out if you need to make any strategic adjustments throughout your play.

So although getting consent isn’t a guarantee of great sex:

GSF 3.2: The Greatest Sexual Moments Are Consensual.

Action Steps?  Action Steps.

Action Steps for Great Action

1.  Thinking About Trying Something New? 

Check out the action steps at the bottom of this post.

2. Get consent AND build anticipation. 

Sometimes, the idea of being like, ‘Hey, can we have sexual intercourse?” is not a sexy thought.  But what if you turned consent into something sexy?

Here are two strategies that could work.

Strategy A
If you’ve already established that it’s cool to send sexy texts/e-mails/voicemails to your partner, send them sporadic messages throughout the day.  As you send messages, throw out what you’d like to do to/with your boo.  End your messages with, ‘would you like that, daddy/naughty girl/pumpkin/schmooopy/whatevs?’

Look for a ‘yes’ style answer.  If they don’t respond, or respond with a ‘hell to the no,’ go back to drawing board and suggest something else you think could be hot.

Strategy B
As you’re going through your sexual moment, verbalize the next thing you’re going to do to your partner in the form of a question.  (I.e. Would you like it if I …  OR Would it make you wet/hard/moan if I …)

Again, look for that affirmative.  If they say yes or moan or move your hand/mouth/junk to whatever you just asked about, then you’re good!  If you get no answer, ask them another question.

Note: For both A and B, you’ll notice that I emphasize getting the ‘yes!’  Remember, consent is all about removing the doubt so that your brain can focus on getting it on!

Astro and Robo

Whether you’re setting up your hootsuite to post timed sexy messages on your partner’s FB wall throughout the day, or simply thinking of a good way to start getting consent …

Go Get Some!
-Becca

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