Hey SmartHotFun Readers!!

Welcome to another post detailing Great Sex Fundamentals here on SmartHotFun.Com!

It's been my experience that lots of people want to know how to have great sex. Great sex fundamentals are all about laying the groundwork to help people make that happen.

So far, I've laid down two very important fundamentals:

Great Sex Fundamental #1: Know The Sexual Body

Great Sex Fundamental #2: Sex Is A Skill

Today, we're going to start getting into our final Great Sex Fundamental (for now):

Great Sex Fundamental #3: Love As You Will

Knowing how the sexual body works and building your sexual skills are both essential to having great sex. If great sex were football, not paying attention to these two fundamentals would be like trying to get into the NFL without knowing the rules of the game, and without ever having practiced.

Picture of a failed tackle.

Unfortunately, knowledge and skills on their own don't always make for great sex. There is one last piece of the puzzle that makes all the difference between good, passable, or aight sex and great sex.

That's what Great Sex Fundamental #3 is all about. So let's get to it.

GSF 3.1: Own What You Like and Don't Like

So first of all, I have to give props where props are due. The phrase “love as you will” is almost a direct quote from the Kushiel’s Legacy Series by Jacqueline Carey. Although in the books the phrase actually says, “love as thou wilt,” the concept is so powerful, I can't help but make it a fundamental.

And here's why! 

In the book series, “love as thou wilt” is the highest law within one of the cultures within the fantasy world that Carey has created. I'm not even going to lie, the people in this book have some bangin’ sex. Over the course of the next few weeks, I'ma break down why this one little phrase makes consistently bangin’ sex possible.

So let's start with today's principle! The phrase “love as you will” is partially about owning what you like sexually. There are all kinds of reasons why people like the sexual things that they like. There are all kinds of reasons why people *think* they might like something sexually. There are an equal number of reasons why people don't like certain sexual activities, or *think* they won't like certain sexual activities.

As I've mentioned a few times, we're living in an America where people who don't actually know a whole lot about sex have been preaching that there is a “normal” or “right” way to have sex.

As someone who's been working and talking about sex and pleasure for a long time, I have just one response to that sentiment:

BULLSHIT

Now, I’m expressing my disagreement with such force because most scientific studies done on human sexual practices reveal that the only thing normal about what people do sexually is that everybody gets their groove on in their own unique way (regardless of things like religion, geographic location, etc). I also express that sentiment so strongly because in my time teaching the people who seem the most satisfied with their sex lives are able to say things like:

“I LOVE “taboo” sexual activity X. Regardless of what other people think, it is so f–ing hot. Mmmmmmhmmmmm."

Sriracha hot chilli sauce

Whether sexual activity X is holding hands in public or having hot sauce licked off your nipples; this statement reveals a sense of ownership. When you own what you like, it gives you the power to work toward getting it. Even if you don't get it right away or even if you're not good at it right away, acceptance is the first path toward having that great sex moment.

Essentially, spending your life wishing you were getting something you're not is a fantastic strategy ... if you're trying to have consistently mediocre, unsatisfying, or "meh" status sex.

With that being said, you're also not going to have great sex if you don't own what you don't like sexually. If you're constantly having sex in a way that totally doesn't work for you, perhaps it's time to take some ownership over what you don't like. And once you've taken that ownership, the path toward great sex involves figuring out why it doesn't work, and communicating that “why.”

(Even though what I'm about to say is definitely another principle of Great Sex Fundamental #3, I feel it's my responsibility to put this out there right now.

Despite owning what you like what you don't like, great sex is never about forcing someone to do something they don't want. It also is not about withholding sexual activities from someone just to exert power over them.)

So what can you do to get closer to GSF 3.1: Own What You Like and Don't Like?

I'm glad you asked! Time for…

Action Steps for Great Action

A. Clarify Your Desires

1. Download a WWW Chart.

2. Instead of filling it out with a partner, just print one out for you.

3. When you're filling out the chart, be completely honest with yourself.

4. When you're done filling out the chart, you can either move to action step B or C.

B. Put A Laser Focus on What You Like

1. For all of the activities where you marked "Want!", choose 1 or 2 activities that you've been wanting for a while but haven't quite yet owned up to wanting. (If you have something in mind that wasn't on the chart, you can totally choose that too.)

2. Brainstorm a list of reasons why you want to do this activity.

3. Brainstorm a list of reasons that have stood in the way of you owning up to wanting this.

4. If one of the reasons in step #3 is not your partner, share these lists with your partner and begin to negotiate for what you want.

5. If your partner is one of the reasons that you listed in step #3, recruit someone from your sexual support team to help you. Share your lists with them, and come up with a strategy for asking your partner to help you realize this desire.

C. Put A Laser Focus on What You Don’t Like

1. Go through all of the desires that you listed as "Wont's" that you are currently doing, and pick 1 or 2. (Or, if you have something in mind that wasn't on the chart, you can pick that as well.)

2. Brainstorm a list of reasons why you don't like this activity.

3. Brainstorm a list of reasons why you haven't stopped doing this activity, despite the fact that you're not really into it.

4. If one of your reasons for step #3 is something like, “My partner really likes this.” Brainstorm a list of 3 things that you could change about the sexual activity that would make it better for you.

5. Either talk to your partner about what you thought about, or recruit someone from your sexual support team to help you to brainstorm how to talk your partner about this.

If you're new to loving as you will, remember that it's okay to make mistakes. Keep that chin up, keep trying, and eventually going from good sex to great sex will get a lot easier.

Oh yeah, and…

Go Get Some!
–Becca

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