Last week, I hit you with a new fundamental: Great Sex Fundamental 2: Sex is A Skill.

I also hit you with the first principle of this Fundamental:

GSF 2.1: Great sex means building physical, mental and interpersonal skills.

Today, I’m going to hit you with another principle of Great Sex Fundamental 2.  But you’re going to have to wait a little bit to get it. (I mean, unless you scroll ahead.  That’s chill too, I guess.)

Master of Sex

As I mentioned in my bio, I am a Master of Sex (Education).  Which basically means that I spent two years of my life researching and thinking really hard about how people learn. (And you can add another 5 years of just thinking really hard about how people learn when you account for my years of teaching previous to the MA.)

Although my grad school experience left much to be desired, I can wholeheartedly give props to one professor who truly understood how to inspire his students toward insight while in his classroom.  He taught the final course of my MA program, and my experience in that course definitely numbers amongst best I’ve had as a student.

The piece of this course that I’m going to share with you is the quote that hung in big, bold print at the front of the classroom for the entire 40 hour course (5 days in a row, 8 hours each day … No.  I’m not joking.).

“A risk-free environment is a learning free environment.”

Time to Break It Down (Because you know I love a good breakdown).

Great sex is a skill (great sex fundamental #2 in the house).

A skill is a learned ability.

As per the quote above, learning requires that you take risks.

So if great sex is a skill and a skill is a learned ability and you have to take risks to learn… you get:

GSF 2.2: Great sex means taking risks.

I’m going to give you one non-sexual example to help you wrap your mind around this concept.

You LOVE lunch.  It’s your favorite meal of the day.  It’s not so early that you feel like a zombie, AND it gives you an excuse to leave work for at least 30 minutes.  Over the course of the years, you’ve figured out that your favorite lunch combination is a turkey sandwich on rye, a roma tomato, a string-cheese sized block of cheddar cheese, a medium sized apple, a handful of tortilla chips, and 16 oz of iced tea.

This lunch is fucking grubbin’, and you can make it without thinking.

But one day, you wake up, ready to grab your rye bread out of the freezer and you realize.  “Oh snap!  The Turkey Sandwich Special is good, but I’m not in the mood for it today.  I want a burrito.”

Picture of a Burrito

And then you start to panic.  You live on the east coast and burritos out there taste like dookey.  Which means you’re going to have to make it yourself.  You haven’t made anything but ol’ reliable Turkey on Rye for years.  What if you can’t do it?  What if you try really hard and it tastes just as bad as all those east-coast burritos?  What if you ruin burritos for yourself forever?  Worse … what if you ruin lunch for yourself forever?

Woah.  Calm down.  Take a deep breath.  It’s just a burrito.

Taking risks can be uncomfortable, but it’s in discomfort where we do our best learning (<-- that is a stolen line from the aforementioned professor.  Props where props are due, right?).  Yes, figuring out which of the 100 meat seasoning packets to use can be anxiety inducing.  Figuring out how long you should cook rice can be perplexing.  And goddammit, how on earth do you get your tortillas to roll without breaking without those industrial tortilla steamers?

But here's the deal, without the risk, discomfort, anxiety, and possible frustration, you’ll never find out if you have the capacity to make a grubbin’ burrito.  You’ll be stuck in Turkey Sandwich Land, even when that’s not what you’re craving.

So, what the F does this all have to do with sex?

Think about sex at the beginning of a relationship.  In the beginning of a sexual relationship, everything is risk taking and the subsequent learning that happens from risk taking.  Sex gets great once you’ve taken enough risks to learn some excellent strategies for pleasuring your partner and vice versa.

Once you stop taking risks (eating Turkey on Rye everyday), you may still have consistently good sex (who doesn’t like a roma tomato and a medium sized apple?), but when you’re not in the mood for the same old thing (oh shit, I want a burrito!) the only way to learn some new pleasuring skills is to take some risks (putting your chef’s hat on, and getting in the kitchen).

So now that you know GSF 2.2: Great sex means taking risks, how can you use this info to make your sex life grubbin' great?

Dagwood Sandwich

Action Steps for Great Action

 1. Admit you’re tired of “Turkey on Rye."

It’s okay to get into a sex groove.  It’s something that a lot of couples do.  Once you figure out those one or two magic ways to get your partner off … it’s easy to want to keep doing that forever.  But working toward great sex sometimes means admitting that you’re tired of the same-old thing.  So sit yourself down, or sit your partner down, and just admit that you really want to see what other “lunch” options you two can agree upon.

2. Figure out 1 or 2 very clear things you do want.

Just like knowing that you want a burrito leads you to a recipe and ingredients, knowing what you want sexually can lead you/your partner to a game plan.  Grab a WWW chart and pick two things off the list that both of you mark as things you Want! to do.

3. Go for it!

With your 1 or 2 things in mind, do whatever it is you need to do to be prepared (it isn’t wise to try to make a burrito without a tortilla), and then do what you and your partner chose!  You may realize that you totally dig the “burrito” you just made, you may figure out some things you missed that would make a “burrito” better, or you may realize that Turkey on Rye is actually exactly what you wanted.

No matter what food/sex choice you make…

Go Get Some!